You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
