Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
