The maid of honor just puked.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
