everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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