TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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