I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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