So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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