OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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