just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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