Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I didn't notice because vodka
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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