Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
