you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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