I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize