Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
