He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
