Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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