Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize