if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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