I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
