I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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