I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize