and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
