just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
