ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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