When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
