Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
