WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
