4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
