My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
