the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
