I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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