we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
