you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
