shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize