it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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