: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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