I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
