HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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