I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
