I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
