Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
