Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
