now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
