hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Randomize
