Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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