You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
