I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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