they need to just BURY HIM!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
