just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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