i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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