why do cheetos always look like penises
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I love having hate sex.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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