The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
