I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
