God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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