Umm I'm too high to move.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
