I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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