she woke up with a sticky ear
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
