guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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