I want to make a zoo with you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
