Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
