i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
