2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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