Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Couch. On fire.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
