Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
